House of the Dead (2003)

Directed by Uwe Boll

Movie Review by Al Fleshrot

Summary
A group of party goers show up late to a rave on an island only to find it apparently deserted. Soon it becomes clear that the only other people around are zombies. Fortunately the gun-running smuggler who brought them to the island (Captain Kirk!) has a crate with an amazing storage capacity that contains an arsenal of weapons. They instantly transform into bad asses and assault a horde of zombies blocking their way into the safety of an old house. After all the mayhem only two of them make it to the kingpin's lair - who turns out to be an exiled Spaniard from the 1700s who created the zombies in an experiment to gain immortality. They battle it out and emerge victorious, but the girl takes a mortal wound in the fight. A rescue chopper shows up and takes them back to the mainland. Unfortunately for the viewing public the ending appears to be a segue for a sequel.

Review
Wow, this movie is really stupid. The acting is amazingly terrible and the script is crap. Granted it's based on a video game, but not one with any real story. You don't have to look very far to find all the negative reviews out there, but I don't think the special effects are as bad as most people do. Some of the zombies are done reasonably well. There's a good amount of blood and guts too. What's stupid is how they fight. Rather than a mindless horde of undead relentlessly pursuing their prey, they line up like a cheesy kung fu movie and wait for their turn to join the attack! The first hour of the movie is a complete waste with no real plot, but some gratuitous breast shots for the hell of it. When the plot finally reveals itself it's pretty lame. Ironically the worst acting part in the entire film is by the only guy I've actually heard of - Clint Howard. He does an atrocious rendition of a crusty, superstitious sailor. The emotions displayed by the cast as they are being hounded by zombies and their friends die are pathetic.

Check out this funny interview with the film's director, Uwe Boll!

Best Zombie Kill
During the zombie assault outside the old house Casper tries to crawl through a window, but three blade wielding zombies hack at her legs. A guy inside tries to pulls her through, but when he finally does her legs are just bloody stumps. He props her up on the floor while blood gushes out of her. Instead of trying to cauterize the stumps or apply a tourniquet he tells her to stay with him!

Best Zombie Death
In the final fight, the kingpin zombie (is he a zombie or just supernatural?) duels with the last two survivors. After the guy gets knocked out, the girl fights valiantly but gets a sword in the chest. Instead of checking on the status of his other opponent, the zombie stands over the fallen girl and gloats. The guy comes to, picks up axe and chops off the zombie's head. But it's not a killing blow - the headless corpse grabs the guy by the neck and begins to choke him to death. The girl musters enough strength to stand and stomps on the decapitated zombie head, squishing like a melon as brains ooze out!

Memorable Scene
Poor Greg ends up trapped in an overturned Porta-Potty while zombies have their way with his girlfriend. When his friends show up later and get him out, he's covered with shit! He uses a towel to wipe off a smear from his forehead, but leaves a big chunk of crap on his cheek! The funny part is nobody seems to mind a guy covered in shit for the rest of the movie.

Al Fleshrot wants your brains

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